Eaton Square Dance: The Real Housewives Of ... "London Ladies"

The Bravo press release claims that the series “Set in the glittering, class-conscious city of London, this new series follows a group of elite British socialites and American expats enjoying the upper crust of the high society world. And while these Brits and Americans all live in the same city, have been married to rock stars, dated royalty, are darlings of the paparazzi and enjoy wealth beyond belief, they are still culturally, worlds apart.” ... not that elite.

Oh. God. No. Please. No.

Isn't it bad enough that we have to put up with filming of something named Made in Chelsea, where Sloanes are bussed into our neighbourhood?

Heather Kerzner, ex wife of Sol and before that Charles Murphy (they used to live in the Square, near the church), hosted a party in aid of Marie Curie during the Masterpiece art fair last month. We hear cameras were rolling, and several women were miked up including Caroline Stanbury, Noelle Reno and Caprice Bourret. Unfortunately some of the women involved have past links to Eaton Square, so we suspect the worst.

Tatler photographed the party, as did several other media outlets. So which women are likely to have bit parts? The ones said to be "starring" in the series are in bold, others are likely to appear as friends of the housewives.

Caprice Bourret, Caroline Stanbury and Heather Kertzner. Caprice is pregnant and expecting a child through a surrogate.

Stanbury's ex: Hugh Grant


Nick Candy and wife Holly Valance. Candy and his brother Christian are property developers to those with Saudi tastes. One of their first refurbs was a small flat at 45 Eaton Square, and they are currently working on the former Saatchi-Lawson property at 76-7 Eaton Square.

Noelle Reno and boyfriend Scott Young. Both have been involved in lawsuits, and both have lost. Reno's ex fiancee Matthew Mellon (they lived together in Eaton Place, having met at the Playboy Mansion) sued her for the return of jewellery. And won. Young is involved in a messy divorce from his wife Michelle and has been in prison for refusing to disclose assets. He used to own mny Belgravia houses and a flat at 28 Eaton Square, but claims he had to sell them for a fraction of their market value. Nice antiquities. And, no, we're not talking about Young.

Caprice's Ex: Robert Tchenguiz (right)

Lisa Tchenguiz, sister of Robert. She and her ex husband Vivian Imerman used to own one of the few whole houses in Eaton Square, complete with gold-plated swimming pool. It was sold during their bitter divorce, but recently popped back on the market for £ 70 m.

Annabelle Neilson, right, one of the 'stars' of the show. Ex wife of Nat Rothschild. Although he can be brusque, when one hears the stunts she pulled during the divorce ... he has our sympathies. Masha Markova, left, is married to Robert Hanson. His brother Brooks lives in Eaton Square.

Saffron Aldridge. We doubt she'll be in the show, but wanted to illustrate a chic woman. He baby daddy Simon Astaire has a local connection through his father Edgar.

Caprice Bourret and baby daddy American banker Ty Comfort. His ex wife Laura was very popular. Comfort senior was a big-wig at Citibank. The sons are bankers. Styvie and his French wife Helene have moved back to New York. Helene is working hard to establish herself as a hostess with the Old Guard. Compared to Caprice she is a soft and gentle creature and a class act. Compared to. Not sure what's going on with the hem of this dress. We'd normally make allowances for a pregnant woman, but Caprice is normally Klassy as a Kardashian.

Time to "meet" the women said to be "starring" in The Real Housewives of London.

Caprice, 41

Says she was born 1971. Looks a lot older. Also looks like the victim of a lot of plastic surgery. Designs rather tacky underwear.

Bourret made her name in a 1996 "documentary" Filthy Rich: Daddy's Girls on television with gymslip mum Tamara Beckwith - although she broke rather than rich, as it soon turned out. Sounds rather like most of the other Real Housewives, already. Born poor, she parlayed relentless self-promotion plus a talent for PR into semi-fame and dated a series of rich men such as Robert Tchenguiz (whose sister lived in a garish house in the Square).

Bourret tries to be known simply as "Caprice" in the same way Madonna has only one name. Wishful thinking.

An old photograph of Patsy Kensit

Patsy Kensit, 45

Actress Kensit is much better known for her many marriages than her acting. She is constantly making come-backs, and has starred in several less popular British soap operas. Four ex husbands, two children.

Jodie Kidd last week in St Tropez.

Jodie Kidd, 34

Kidd is a former model, who recently announced she planned to return to the profession. Kidd was a successful model, as opposed to a girl that claims to be a model, for middle-market companies, as well as a television presenter. A keen sportswoman, she rides, plays polo and races cars. Her career went into free-fall after allegations by a tabloid that she supplied cocaine to their reporter.

Ex husband: Aidan Butler
Boyfriend: polo player Andrea Vianini

Son: Indio, 2.

Kidd, right, has not aged well. Her elder sister, Jemma, right, the make-up artist is prettier. And Jemma is the Countess of Mornington; her husband is the heir to the Duke of Wellington.

Noelle Reno, 30

History of dating much older, richer men.

Ex: Matthew Mellon (50).
Once died her hair brown whilst dating Mellon, and looked uncannily like his ex-wife Tamara.
Was ostracised by society after splitting with Mellon.

Currently with still-married Scott Young (51), who was jailed in January for six months for withholding alimony, child support, and failing to disclose marital assets. He seems to live the high life despite claiming to be broke. Reno is not known for sticking by poor men.

Is a designer. We're not sure what of. She has so little style it almost isn't funny.

Exhibitionist Annabelle Nielson would claim that this McQueen dress is fashion. She is pictured with the late designer and antisemitic scandal designer John Galliano.

Annabelle Neilson, 40s

Ex husband: Nat Rothschild.

Friend of the late Alexander McQueen. Friend of Kate Moss. Party girl. Very social, but ...

The details of the divorce are never publicly discussed, but those who do know them keep well away from her. She 'hangs' with a fashion rather than a society crowd.

Caroline Stanbury, 37

Stanbury lives in Kensington

Exes: Prince Andrew, footballer Ryan Giggs and actor Hugh Grant.

Husband: hedge funder Cem Habib, 40, married since 2004 (he Tweets)

Children: daughter Yasmin, twin boys Aaron and Zack

Second home in Surrey

Collects contemporary art

She Tweets

Her business: www.gift-library.com

No, it's not Eaton Square, but her Tamzin Greenhill-designed house is not the trashy sort one associates with The Real Housewives. Since we love a little propery porn, here are a few more shots, after the break: