Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Designed by Geoffrey Bradfield

The art is okay. The leather bound books for decoration rather than reading. Remind us to hire the decorator if we ever open a bordello. We prefer the 'before' photographs.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Fiction: Upstairs, Downstairs

It is set in Eaton Place, and exteriors are shot there. No, there is no number 165.

The set of Upstairs, Downstairs.

And old postcard showing Eaton Place at the start of the twentieth century.

Ex: 105, The Man From Del Monte

The Del Monte Foods tycoon Vivian Imerman and his second wife Lisa Tchenguiz divorced. Their the former Belgian embassy house in Eaton Square with a mews behind was sold.

Mr and Mrs Del Monte in happier times. Those are the fakest breasts we have ever seen. The jewels look real.
They bought it for £9.5 million in December 2005. They listed at £60m but sold for £33 million in November 2009 to Hong King real estate investor Joseph Lau.

It is back on the market for £ 70 m. Lau did not invest in redecorating. It is horrific. Like Lisa's breasts.

The post 2005 revamp was by Imerman's interior designer daughter Bianca Ladow.

Even from outside it is too shiny with too many chandeliers.

The swimming pool and hot tub. Gold. Mirrors. Huge flat screen television. Need we say more?

The Winter Garden. A light well with a glass roof. More mirrors. Another colossal television.

It looks like a bordello. It is meant to be a first floor drawing room. Chandelier bad. Swagging bad. Pom poms bad. French parquet is a faux pas. The ceiling is modeled on a wedding cake. It is so bad we're surprised an Arab did not buy it.

Mirror mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all. Sorry Evil Queen. Not you.

They say better nouveau riche than never riche. They also say no chandeliers in the kitchen.

The ground floor dining room. Petra also painted hers black. It must be a sign of a taste bypass. The gold is bad. The chandelier another fail.

We thought the gold gilding everywhere was bad. Then we saw the bedroom. Silver gilding is worse. There is a reason no-one silver gilds furniture. Louis Faux incidentally does not 'go' with whatever that mirrored box is. Could be worse. At least the ceiling is not mirrored.

The mews house at the back has a leather lined garage for four cars and a staff flat.

Mr and Mrs Bianca Ladow. At Petra Ecclestone Stunt's wedding. Is bad taste contageous?

Her husband used to date Madeleine of Sweden. She is now married to Paul and Eva Maria ONeill's son Chris.

An Urgent Appeal For Help: Dorothy King

We have to bring this woman back to The Square. Immediately.

So if you happen to be a nice single heterosexual Billionaire, please marry her and bring her back. Everyone in the Square adores her, from royals to cleaners, and if you bring her back we will adore you by default. Or tolerate you.

We had recently established King was living at 65, and had planned to write a "She shares a wall with Petra Ecclestone. But little else" post.

Then she moved.

The porters forward her post. But refuse to say where she lives.

I'm in NA with her ex Mr X. He still adores her. And with Mr Artist. He dated her. He still adores her. And several friends. Who all say she is one of the kindest, more generous people they know. After meeting dinners turn into Dorothy Appreciation Society.

Once you marry her, you have to promise to bring her back to Eaton Square. Not Kensington Palace Gardens. He ex lives there. With a tennis court. Which sounds terribly down market. Bring her back to Eaton Square. She belongs here.

Dorothy does not pose for party photographers. She goes on protests. Here she is on at a Syrian demonstration in Belgrave Square in 2011. She brought along a dog. And wore real pearls. Mr X says she returned the jewellery he gave her. By post. Not recorded. She popped them in the letter box. And refused to take any alimony. Note also the perfect manicure. Mr Artist showed us old press clippings about her. She organised a campaign to save the battle of Marathon. The two page Telegraph feature was our favourite. She said everything we all think but are not meant to say in public. These days she shuns press.

King is (was) one of the few residents with a blog. And Tweets.

We cyber-stalked her.

Which brings us to the dirt. Lots of it. She's a very dirty gal. She's an archaeologist. But not a gold digger.

Dorothy denies finding Alexander the Great's tomb in Greece. Dorothy denies Lara Croft is based on her. We think the lady doth protest too much. She may be telling the truth about Alexander. Not about Lara Croft.

Mr Gamer is also in NA. He pointed out that Dorothy sometimes dyes her hair brown. And she has colossal breasts. And she kick-boxes. And she is an archaeologist. And she has a posh English accent. And she grew up with a butler. And she travels to war zones looking for looted artifacts.
Dorothy was kidnapped and went to rehab to recover. She is not an addict. Just the object of our addiction. On a serious note, Mr X says she now likes to sleep in a very small room. So be prepared to provide her with one. And a library. She likes books. And insists on reading them. Not just decorating with them.

This is a selfie on her blog in Givenchy. We have also noted her in Alaia and McQueen. And couture. We like the way she wears clothes effortlessly. And doesn't let the clothes wear her. As a Jew she boycotts Galliano.

We like the way she remembered to thank LVMH for lending her the dress.
Another photograph from her blog. She wrote it to support Mary Beard for not wearing make-up. Colossal fail. Mary Beard does not look good without make-up. Dorothy King does.

Recent selfie in the Square. Looking more Page Three than Page Six. Mr Artist says her breasts are real. And big. Carrying too much post baby fat. Get thee to a gym.

Her daughter (posed by a model). Where the real dirt starts. Mr X says that they split up when he went off his lithium and into a loony bin. She had an affair. Left the man who was married. Mr X came out of rehab. Proposed. And gave the girl his name. He has no idea who's the daddy. Their marriage is over after his four more stints in rehab.
Then King set up Culture Concierge and advises collectors on art. Mostly her cousins.
Her first husband died in an automobile accident. Their son tragically young.
Cigar. Note the trademark pearls. Chanel jacket over a chair.
Dinner with friends. And a rare fashion faux pas.
Dorothy is described by residents as an angel. Her mother as the opposite. Since several dictators and arms dealers live in Eaton Square, that takes a very special person. Meet Mrs James King (artist's impression). They do not speak.

Dorothy King may be popular but her dog Ellie is a local superstar. Always carrying a balloon.

King's Twitter is all about her dog. Buy it a box of balloons to win her heart. Flowers might work. Or go straight to Graff. Just snap her up before someone else does.