Ladies Don't ... Do Playboy - NSFW

Petra Ecclestone lives in Eaton Square. Her sister Tamara lives in Palace Green. She visits the Square often with her paparazzi.

We're not sure how the paparazzi find her since it is impossible for them to enter Kensington Palace Gardens. There are armed police at all the entrances. Does her PR ring them?

She seeks publicity like a cheap whore. Not that we're claiming she is a whore. Or cheap. To paraphrase Dolly Parton, it costs a lot of money to look that cheap.

Tamara Ecclestone makes Petra look almost klassy.

Tamara as the 'face' of Ultimo underwear. Why would an heiress with so much money need to 'work' as a lingerie salesgirl?

Posing in underwear was not enough for Tamara.

This post continues after the break because the photos that follow are even less Klassy and certainly not safe for work. Not that any of these 'ladies' work. Nor are they ladies.

Tamara's next 'job' was filming a television reality series about her life. It made the Kardashians come across as sweet, klassy ladies in comparison. In this scene she rolled in a million pounds worth of cash naked. Tamara's newest venture is a range of hair care products. We assume that this is an ironic post-modernist hipster statement since her hair is fake and she doesn't know how to wash it herself. The reason she is seen so often at the hairdresser? She used to visit daily to get her extensions washed.

Rolling around naked with her 'modesty' ostensibly preserved was still not enough. Earlier this year Miss Ecclestone took her clothes off for Playboy. Other 'celebrities' have appeared in Playboy for the money. Some pose in underwear. Some show a little breast. Tamara went lower. In both senses of the term.

Those who pose for Playboy often like to claim that the photographs are artistic. That it's no different to posing for Vogue. We say men don't masturbate to Vogue.

Ladies do wear a fox around the neck, but they wear cashmere between the fox and the skin.

The first photo Playboy released. Tamara described it as classy. She really should add a dictionary to her Amazon Wish List. The way she sees her maids explains a lot. For example why sister Petra thinks it is acceptable to call a coal vault a staff bedroom.

The shoes make it worse. At least they match the sconce. Someone should rent The Queen of Versailles on DVD.

Plastic floats, doesn't it? Covering part of the face is a vast improvement.

We are pretty sure that the fur is meant to go on that triangle at the top of her legs. Breast looking suspiciously round for someone who claims not to have had implants. Is the rampant rabbit meant to show she's an animal lover? It looks as excited to see her as we are in Eaton Square.

Another perfect illustration of how not to treat staff.

Her tattoos are airbrushed out as even Playboy recognises that they are unladylike.

The Full Monty.

Business newspaper. Another ironic comment by the stylist?

We move on to a real Lady in the sense that she has a courtesy title in the United Kingdom.  Lady Isabella Hervey was the 'face' of Playboy UK. Her mother lives in Eaton Square.

At least she kept her bra on. And her actual face is far prettier than Tamara's.

Hervey was a Z-list television 'star' with a title but no cash of her own. There are better ways to earn a living. She should have married a banker. She was young. She has since been to rehab for anorexia, sorted herself out and now works as a personal trainer.

Real ladies are not photographed in underwear. Compared to Tamara's full commando spread, this is almost puritanical.

Braless. She's so flat her hands cover everything.

The Playboy launch party.

Not everyone was as well behaved. Note the startling resemblance to the Ecclestone sisters

A non-Playboy underwear photograph.

Her older sister Lady Victoria Hervey has never posed for Playboy. She poses scantily clad for free. Most of these photographs show far more flesh than Isabella did in Playboy. And they were taken in public. She is 36 but looks older. And like a drag queen.

Trying to channel JLo. Ending up LOL.

If she's aiming for sexy she failed.

The swimsuit model is presumably named desperation. Simultaneously too small and too large.

One is meant to wear a dress on the red carpet. Not recycle granny's crochet as a swimsuit.

Is this a night gown? Several sizes too small.

Even when she tries to look half ladylike she fails. Less Marilyn Monroe, more Marilyn Manson. The shoes emphasise her cankles.

A nipple on show.

OK! Magazine pointed out that she 'accidentally' showed her nipples three times at the Cannes Film Festival this May. Otherwise there would be no reason to photograph her.

Sometimes for publicity you have to 'accidentally' show a whole breast. She's quite flat chested. They shouldn't be that difficult to cover.

Darling. No. That's what we think of you.